lady fighting

Why am I still fighting?

Why am I still fighting?

This is a question that I asked myself a lot during my last rounds of treatment while the medicine was making me so ill every day, on top of fighting this horrendous disease, and the truth is, I didn’t always have an answer.

I remember being so confident that this wasn’t going to be a big deal. I remember thinking that if I could get through the mental health challenges that I overcame as a youth, then I could do anything. The truth is its way harder than I ever thought it could be.

The lack of access to healthcare for Lyme patients is unbelievable. I mean, I literally would not have believed someone if they’d explained it to me prior to me experiencing it. I never would have believed that it could truly be as atrocious as it actually is. People exaggerate, right? Is what I would have silently thought.

Tonight, as I sit waiting for the sauna to heat up I am feeling accomplished and pushed to my limits about today’s meal prep, while also feeling guilty that the last of the dirty dishes are filling up the sinks – knowing that my body won’t likely allow me to do more today than I’ve already done and that my roommate will wake up to a dirty sink in the morning. The reason I pushed so hard today to meal prep is because treatment starts again tomorrow – the same treatment that I couldn’t tolerate last time due to daily vomiting. As I’m trying to shift my focus from absolute dread and fear to a more healing mindset, I must think about my why.

Why am I still fighting?

I’m not talking about just to live or to just keep fighting because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Why am I still fighting?

What am I going to tell myself when I’m laying in a pool of sweat on the bathroom floor sobbing in pain at 2am, that is going to give me the will to keep fighting this disease?

This question makes me dig into the deeper depths of my core and look at what I really want out of life, the things that I’m so afraid I may never receive or accomplish that it’s hard to even admit to myself that I want them, because somewhere along the way my inner child picked up the idea that wanting them would make me vulnerable.

I could ramble forever with adjectives and creative wording to make you forget that I’m avoiding the question, however, why am I still fighting?

I’m still fighting because I want to continue this journey and continue learning and adding value to my mind and quality of life.

I’m still fighting because I want to experience love. Real love. Solid love. The kind of love where two people make a genuine, loving commitment to catch the other when they fall. The kind of love where needs are met and compromises are made and laughter is had. The type of love that is patient, humble, and kind.

I’m still fighting because I want to see my brother grow old. I want to see the man he becomes.

I’m still fighting because I want to see my niece grow. I want to support her through her teen and young adult years, and influence the woman she becomes.

I’m still fighting because I want to hear my future baby’s first cry. I want to hold her/him/them in my arms and experience my heart expand.

I’m still fighting because I want to support someone in a positive, life changing way.

I’m still fighting because I want to be a foster mom.

I’m still fighting because I have a gift in my experience and in my voice, and I want to change the future in a positive way.

I’m still fighting because I want to continue to expand my consciousness, and to see how far I can go.

I’m still fighting because I want to connect deeper with the earth, and see where that takes me.

I’m still fighting because this planet needs more light-workers, not less of them.

I’m still fighting because I still have so much left to learn.

I’m still fighting because I still have so much love to give, so much kindness to offer, so much beauty to create, and the world needs as much of that as it can get.

If you are fighting a battle of your own, why are you still fighting? If you aren’t fighting a battle of your own, what do you want out of your life? Have you ever seriously looked at that? Have you taken the steps to put it into place for yourself?

What are you fighting for?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *