Loving like an Empath

As an empath I love so strongly and so deeply, for everyone – especially those who don’t know how to love themselves, or anyone else, it seems. I fall in love over and over again and even when I’m not “in love”, I am in my own version of in love that possibly only empaths can begin to understand. I find someone so broken and become overwhelmed with the need to take them in and love them and all of their broken pieces and heal them and make them whole. The problem is, not only that no one can make another person whole, or make them love themselves, but also that I forget to love myself in the process.

Recently I’ve found myself falling back into this deeply entrenched pattern. I’ve caught myself though, and with the help of loving empathic friends, am pulling myself out, and each day that overwhelming urge to love and to heal eases a little bit more and that little bit more gets put back into loving myself and those around me who are ready to receive and return it.

In the years past I have continued this pattern time and time again, typically not pulling myself out until my cup is bone dry, no love has been given to me in months, and I’ve all but completely lost myself. I’ve made the choice not to let that happen this time. And it is a choice. Not an easy one, my stomach is tied and my heart aches and still every fiber of my being wants to love him and heal him and make him whole. That’s what I hear in my head over and over again, that’s what I feel in my body deep within my bones. But it’s not realistic. It’s not healthy. It leaves neither of us whole or healed. It leaves me completely unloved.

I truly believe that the Universe is testing me. SHE wants to know if I am truly ready to move forward into higher vibrations or if I’m going to stick to what I know. Am I going to choose to love myself and set healthy boundaries (scary!) or am I going to continue old patterns on repeat. Am I ready for someone who’s going to love me like a real man? A whole man? Or am I going to stay in my comfort zone of loving those who don’t know how to love at all? My comfort zone of fixing others instead of myself.

The truth is either way I will continue to love him. The same way that I continue to love all of them. But this time I’m choosing to move forward, I’m choosing to love myself. I’m choosing to send him love and healing from afar, from a place where I can heal in tandem. A place where it doesn’t have to just be him.

This is no one’s fault but my own, and I own that. I know now though, that I deserve to be loved too. I deserve to be healed. And no one can do that for me but me; no one can do that for him but him.

Forgiving myself and letting go of someone who I believe needs my love, before I’m forced to, is not within my nature. I’m learning about energetically cutting chords and that has helped significantly. But mostly, I just keep reminding myself of reality. My goals to find love and have a family. My illness and how it doesn’t leave a lot of room for shenanigans like this. That I am the creator of my life and that all of these choices build the life that I will live. What do I want that life to look like?

Are you an empath?
Do you get caught up in trying to heal others who may not even want to be healed?
What choices will you make differently to raise your vibrations and love yourself?

Shed your shame

I am having the most relaxing day before work. I slept in, enjoyed slowly drinking my coffee while reading today’s astrology report on Susan’s Astrology Zone app, then read today’s vibe of the day in Kyle Gray’s book, “Raise your Vibration”, and then meditated on today’s vibe while in the sauna. I then took a nice, long, quiet shower, allowing my body, mind and soul to absorb and process everything that I had just taken in before making lunch while singing along to Carlie Pearce, finishing it off by eating in front of my outdoor fire pit with Keith Urban’s new incredible song, “Female”. Amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better way to spend my morning and early afternoon, and now am writing to you all while sipping my coffee outside with the warmth of a fire while the rain gently begins to fall.

Myself and a group of my soul-sisters, we call ourselves the Crackpot group, have committed to following Kyle Gray’s 111 practices for raising your vibration and increasing your spiritual connection. We started this together on the first of January so today’s was the fourth “vibe of the day” and it is the first one that I have found difficult to connect to. Not painful or emotional, but more like a number blockage. Instead of ignoring the disconnect and moving on with my day like I would probably have done if I was busy or running late, I chose to take this opportunity to really sit with the lesson and feel it. Because this is not always a comfortable thing to do, as humans we will often brush past it, going on with our day to day lives never unblocking or honoring that part of ourselves, but if there is one thing I’ve learned for certain it’s that if you want to grow you have to choose to experience, and even embrace, the uncomfortable.

Vibe of the day: you are safe.

“There is no place safer for me than in my body.
My body is the home of my soul.
My outer self is a reflection of my inner self.
My soul is the true and real aspect of me and it can never be broken, tarnished or damaged.
My soul is healed and whole.
Today I claim my safety, because the light of my soul shines within a light of protection.
I am safe.

This may feel like common sense and very comfortable for some, but for myself who has a history of addiction to self-harming, a mind/central nervous system that likes to play games with me and now a chronic, life-threatening, difficult to treat disease, I have never felt safe inside of my own body. And yes, I do see the correlation between a life of feeling unsafe inside of me own body to then getting infected with a disease that does physically make you unsafe inside of your own body and I’m sure that this is not a coincidence.

In the past I have cut myself, burned myself, hated myself, made myself throw up, allowed unhealthy people and substances into my body, overdosed on painkillers, the list goes on I’m sure. The point is, I have not always treated my body, the home of my soul, the way it deserves to be treated. The things that I have done to myself are far worse than anything I would ever do to another person. It’s no wonder that my body was susceptible to this disease. It asked me to slow down time and time again. It asked me to feel it, to listen to it, to nurture it, and I ignored it until it forced me. This is something that I must own, and forgive myself for, which I will do now.

Dear physical body, mind and soul, I am sorry. I am sorry for not nurturing you. For not honoring you. For not even listening to you. I am sorry for hurting you and for allowing things into you that were not for your highest and best self. I am sorry for pushing you, and for taking you for granted. Please forgive me as I forgive myself. I promise to start working with you, rather than against you. I ask the Universe to support me in this new way of living, for the highest and best of everyone involved.

Everybody has dark fragments of themselves that they want to hide, but the only way to bring those pieces into the light is by owning them. I’m not saying everyone should go so public as to air all of their dirty laundry in a book or a blog like, ahem, me, but when those dark thoughts and memories come up inside of you don’t shove them back into their dusty, cobweb filled corner. Own them within yourself. Find it in your heart to forgive and to send love to that area of yourself that even you do not want to see. Write it down and bury it or burn it, giving it back to the Earth for the Universe to carry for you. No one can ever hold something over you that you have owned within yourself. You never need to feel ashamed of something that you’ve owned within yourself.

Shed the shame. Release it to the Universe to neutralize for you. Ask it to send that energy back to you as love.

Own every fragmented piece of yourself. And then allow yourself to love them.

A letter to the person who’s about to give up their life, from someone who almost did.

As I was laying in a soul and toxin – cleansing salt bath this evening topped with some beautiful gifted Sage lavender bath salts and Sage analgesic bath salts, meditating to a guided meditation for awakening your guide, I was surprised to be feeling both the highest and best parts of myself as well as the absolute darkest shadows during the “who am I?” question.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by this at all as the light cannot be without the dark, but hey! I’m new at this.

I am still learning to ask myself questions and trust the answers. Frankly I am still learning to trust myself at all. At the end of the meditation when asking what I need to do, I intuitively recieved, “A letter from someone who almost gave up(died by suicide), to someone who almost did,” so I chose to trust that there is someone out there who needs to hear this right now so I am writing to whomever that may be.

I see you.

And deep in my chest, I feel you. I know you are hurting so deeply that you cannot possibly see the surface, let alone the light. I am seeing the light for you. I am feeling it for you the same way that I am feeling your pain and I am sending it to you. I am washing away your dark.

Life is worth it.

I promise you this from deep within my bones. It is worth it. My journey through the dark was about 14-25 years long, and now, I can finally say with honesty that it was worth it. I know that many people will read that and think they can’t possibly stick it out for that many years. I definitely would have said that, but I did it. Some people only have to sludge through the mud for a few months. No matter where you are in your journey don’t assume that because mine was that long yours will be too. It is likely to be shorter, it could also be longer; my hope in you reading this is that this article makes it a little bit shorter for you.

What I’m coming to understand I would have liked someone to say to me in my darkest days was, “I’m feeling it too, but we are in this together.” I, however, needed to feel unsupported in my outside world so that I would eventually be forced to turn inward, looking to my higher self and the energy of the Universe to carry me. It will happen if you let it. Ask for it, invite it in.

I cannot even count the number of times I’ve seriously considered killing myself. Mostly I was tired of hurting and I truly believed that the world would not only go on without me but would actually be better without me. I am now being taught how untrue that is, but that is plain and simple how I felt. Even when I grew a bit and learned different coping skills and got to a place of not being at risk to myself, I still was never happy. I was your typical, averagely miserable human being. Knit-picking at things that I realize now don’t effect me. Taking things personally that at their core didn’t have anything to do with me. Needing people to like me. Measuring my level of success on what was visible to other people. Feeling overall irritable all the time. In comparison to my below-rock-bottom depression and panic disorder, this is what I thought happy was! To be honest, I think it’s what a lot of the human race considers normal.

I can now say that was most definitely not happy, though it may be average.

I don’t know exactly what got me to where I am today. I imagine that it is a combination of many small things compounded – counseling, medical intervention, drugs when needed, supplements, family support, lack of family support, a whole bunch of not so great doctors along with a few great doctors (this is not to downplay the role of doctors in mental health, it is to express that I understand that you’ve probably had a lot of unfortunate doctors visits but to keep trying new ones because there are a few really good ones making a really big difference), naturopaths, energy healers, mentors, exercise, clean eating, salt baths, infrared saunas, lemon water, meditating, less t.v. more personal development reading, writing, mindfulness, learning when to say no, learning when to say yes, learning when to be “selfish”, and learning when to be selfless. Learning what boundaries are – not only the definition but truly understanding the concept in my life, and how to place them, was also more than minimal towards my healing.

I still have bad days, yesterday was one of them. I had treatment in the morning earlier than I’d normally be up, then continued to my first in person appointment at the Complex Chronic Disease Program, a clinic that says they treat Lyme disease but doesn’t actually have a good way of diagnosing us, nor do they have any lyme-literate doctors (theirs all quit, in my understanding because they weren’t allowed to properly treat), so instead they diagnose us with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and central sensitivity syndrome which are all illnesses with unknown causes and unknown cures. This does at least give patients grounds for disability and access to programs that will teach them coping skills and offer counseling, acupuncture, doctors and other supports. The point is, my life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and in fact the truth is that I’m in pain every day, sick most of them, need about 12-14 hours of sleep per night and am not well enough to work as much as I’d like to or exercise or do as much socializing as I like or to be independent. I sleep more than I ever have, I am sicker than I have ever been, and yet I’m still happy. And I’m still telling you that it’s worth it to live.

Find what makes you happy and do it. Not just one thing but a million little things compounded. Find what adds a little bit of meaning to your life. It’s actually very simple, something either makes you feel good inside or it doesn’t. Sometimes we have to do the things that make us feel bad such as take that client that isn’t our favorite but we need to pay the bills, or visit that family member that really means well but drives us nuts, but wherever you’re able to, choose the option that makes you feel good. If you feel good while reading, read instead of watching tv. If you feel inspired after watching a documentary, choose one of those over your mindless TV show. If you have a favourite walk but you have to drive to it, drive to it. Do guided meditations for abundance and manifestations. Write down what you’re grateful for each day. Buy the flowers, or if you can’t spend the money go for a walk and pick them! I don’t care what it is that makes you feel good, inspired or energized, only you can decide what those things are, what resonates with you. It’s up to you and only you to find those things and to do them.

Do minimum one a day. It can be as simple as having your morning coffee on the patio. Start with one simple, easy to incorporate step. Just one is all I ask. Then over time as it feels comfortable and right for you, add in another, and another, and so on. It isn’t a race, there is no time limit. You do it in a year, or if you’re not ready you can do it slower and spread it out over 14 years like I did! You are the only one make that decision, and it doesn’t feel like it, but it is a decision to take these steps. You may not be able to decide how you feel, but you can decide what action steps you take. Choose one thing and start.

Whether you climb out of your darkness in a year or 30 years, I promise you, it’s worth it.

New Year’s Eve, 2017

A lot happens in a year. One year ago today I was sitting at home which is no longer my home (I moved a month ago), with my then-boyfriend, unable to cross the border with my family because my doctor’s were worried about my kidneys. I spent a large portion of the evening in an Epsom salt bath trying to manage my pain, getting out just before midnight to ring in the new year. I tried to make the most of it with a skimpy outfit and a couple good orgasms but there was no denying how sick I was and still am. There is also no denying how far I’ve come. One year ago I had very little faith and spirituality. Even into the spring I was discussing end of life plans with my counselor and mom. I knew that if I continued to go downhill there would come a point where I was no longer eligible to make those decisions for myself and I wanted to ensure that no one else was making them for me. I felt calm and comfortable with what I’d offered and given to the world up until that point and felt comfortable with it being my time to go very soon. I had given the world everything that I had to give and I found a great deal of comfort in that; I can’t help but wonder how many people wouldn’t feel the same way.

This past summer there was a shift in my psyche that opened up a whole new world of what I have ahead of me and what I have to give. I have been choosing happiness for a number of years now and sharing how I’ve done that with others through blogs, social media, hairstyling and through fitness groups but now my soul is taking the lead and I am learning how to choose love. I’ve known for years that my purpose on Earth is to help other people overcome their demons and grow into happy people but it wasn’t until this year that I started to understand that the way I am meant to do this is by accepting and acting on my soul-purpose of being a lightworker, spreading love and raising the vibration of the world as a whole. As Kyle Gray puts it in his book, “Raise Your Vibration”, being a lightworker “doesn’t mean that you have to quit your job or work 24/7 for the universe/angels/spirit world. It just means that you’ve accepted the call and you’re willing to contribute towards the healing, peace and nurturing of the world. You’re willing to raise your vibration.” This is exactly what I intend to do and it is my sincerest hope that as I continue to learn I will continue to teach and to raise the vibration of those around me as I go, eventually contributing to raising the vibration of the universe.

I believe that life doesn’t need to be so hard and I know that 2018 will be an incredible year if I let it. If I keep learning and sharing and loving, meditating and writing, exercising my mind and my intuition, then following my soul and living in line with my soul-purpose will become easier and more natural every day. When you’re living in tune with your body, mind and soul, it’s easy to feel whole. When you’re choosing love, it is easy to be loved.

Nothing positive is ever lost in the spreading of love and light.

Happy New Years everyone! I hope you all spend it immersed in immense love and wholeness, one with all that is.

December 29, 2017

I tried sharing my energy healing story with my parents and our friend tonight. I’ve got to give them credit, they didn’t laugh at me or shut me down which truly is the best they could have done but it sure is visible how uncomfortable it makes them. Later, when we were chatting with a different family acquaintance she brought up my Facebook posts – another thing that my family is clearly uncomfortable with but takes better than I could ask them to – she kindly told me how much she appreciates my posts and then says, “I can see that you really have a spiritual side,” my response, because I clearly don’t think through the things that come out of my mouth before I say them, was, “thanks yes I do but my parents don’t like it so I don’t talk about it in front of them.” …sometimes I think I seriously need to work on my social skills. But that does run in our family more so than all of this spiritual voodoo so perhaps I just have to own it.
As different as we are I am extremely lucky in the sense that it doesn’t matter how crazy I sound, my parents will always do their best to let me be me. Even when it makes them uncomfortable. Apparently we choose our parents before birth based on what lessons we need to learn in this lifetime. This is something that I can’t wait to learn about because I know that my parents and I have put each other through so much unnecessary pain, and I hope that by learning about how and why I chose them I can begin to heal our entire family lineage.

December 28, 2017

Last night there was a bat in my bedroom.

Okay I’m at the cabin so really it was in the trailer but it was flying through my bedroom in the trailer! Once I stopped screaming I realized it was actually pretty cute. Anyways, since I’m learning that there are no coincidences I figure it has to symbolize something but I had no internet to look it up so I asked the universe to please show me in my dreams very clearly what the bat was here to show me or symbolize.

Hey Universe, I trust that this bat in my bedroom must have been a symbol from you. There are no coincidences. Please show me clearly in my dreams why the bat was here and what I need to know. Please show me this in a way that is undeniably clear to me and allow me to remember my dream.

Well in my dream I was in my hometown village, they were putting on some kind of celebration and I was volunteering at one of the booths when a woman came up and dropped her child off with me, which was apparently normal. So this sweet little girl who I was calling Tanner and I went about our day in the village, I’m not too sure what my booth actually was but at one point I was doing her hair. I guess the details weren’t important for me to remember but during this day two big things happened. A young adult runaway accidentally met her teenage brother that she didn’t know about and she blew them both up. And meanwhile the celebration in the village is ending and Tanner’s mom never came back for her and she’s now telling me her name is Desiree. (The same name as my current co-worker). We search each booth for clues on what her last name could be, we check the nearby apartment buildings, we never do find her mom and I wake up.
Well, Universe, I have a bone to pick with you because that was not clear at all! At first I thought it was referencing my inner child that feels abandoned and needs someone to nurture her. Then when I realized she had the same name as my coworker I thought maybe it’s telling me to treat her with the same nurturing and forgiveness that I would a child. Both of these make sense for my real life, but the bombing of the siblings?! Maybe it’s trying to tell me that I need to be closer to my brother but I feel that I have done all that I can in order to be closer to him, not that we have a bad relationship to begin with but we just aren’t that close since he moved in with his girlfriend and her child.

I’m going to have to do more research on the symbolism of bats and maybe touch base with my mentors and come back to this.

Later on at night…

More of my dream has started to come back to me throughout the day but I am still unsure of their significance. One piece is me showing up at my girlfriend’s apartment (which was not her real-life home) to retrieve my book she borrowed called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. When I was there she had these strange little gremlin creatures that I can only describe as tiny miniature apes. They were diving into her indoor, inground pool (also not a real thing in Ladner apartments).
The other piece that came back to me is especially strange as it was an old, short term, drug-dealing boyfriend that in real life I was determined I could save (while really wanting him to save me), coming to me to tell me that he never should have had children before meeting me. That I was his biggest regret. Now, obviously I can’t say for certain that that isn’t true. In fact, maybe it is true. But I tend to think that people make the decisions that are right for them and that if they were that unhappy with their lives then they’d do something to change them. I don’t typically subscribe to the idea that they will then come to you in your dreams to share with you their regrets, but I have started more than one intimate relationship based on a dream I’d had, both of which ended up giving me what I needed when I needed it, so I guess I won’t completely write it off either.
P.s. when the bat was in my trailer last night I definitely video taped it and took pictures on my phone because I thought “Oh my Goddess what if this is my clairvoyance coming in?!” It wasn’t. It was a real live bat. Flying centimeters above my head..


…a couple hours later, still December 28, laying in the trailer back bedroom…

I went back to bed to meditate, but first I paused the meditation (I downloaded 20 of them for my getaway to, first, heal, second, get me through 6 days with my family and very little cell or internet reception) to pull my sweet dog Dixie up into bed with me. As I lay there stroking her ears with her head on my chest I thought about how grateful I am to have such a special creature in my life and I told her how sorry I am for neglecting her on the days that I’d been very sick. I then heard noises in my trailer similar to the ones that I heard last night before the bat appeared and, truthfully, got scared. I said, “Universe, please keep me safe tonight from anything that could enter my trailer or harm me in any way.” Suddenly Archangel Raphael and Archangel Michael appeared. Not appeared as in I could see them but I knew they were there. I thanked them and thought about how little I know about the Archangels in general, and then asked Archangel Michael to please cut some chords for me.
Please cut any chords that I no longer need.” No, that doesn’t feel inclusive enough. “Please cut any chords that do not serve my highest good.” No, that doesn’t feel right either. “Please cut all of my chords in a way that is loving and in the highest and best for everyone involved.” Bingo! I felt him cut more chords. In this moment I had a flashback of the dog Jake that we had for a few days when I was a kid. We got this dog from the SPCA and within the first few days of having him he ate the cover to our hot tub. That evening, or one not long from there, I went to brownies and came home to a house with no dog. I was told he was taken back to the shelter. I felt so heartbroken and betrayed. Here I was given this animal in my life and just as quickly he was taken away with no notice or the chance to say goodbye. Come to think of it, I think the same story might apply to my childhood cat… But I may be mixing them up. (I later mentioned this to my mom who said I didn’t remember the whole story, which is likely true but I didn’t ask about it). Anyways, what I came to realize in this moment was, I’d never forgiven my parents for making this choice without me or for not giving me the opportunity to say goodbye. So I decided to turn this around, I don’t want to hold onto that anymore. I asked myself, is this a blockage that is ready to be released? The answer was yes. Suddenly I got a pain in my left shoulder followed by another one in my lower-left arm that had been bothering me on and off for the last two days. I knew that this was where my blockage was to be released, I somehow knew that it was moving up from my bottom left abdomen, past my heart and sticking in my left arm. I don’t know how I knew this but I did. I asked the angels to help me move my energy through and they told me that it was my turn. So that’s exactly what I did, instinctively, without ever doing it before. Is this what downloads feel like?! This was a form of emotion code or therapeutic touch. This was energy healing! I feel as though this was my angels gift to me for finally starting to talk to them.

Now, I can meditate.

December 27, 2017

Do you ever wonder if your not the weird one?
My whole life I’ve just assumed it was me. I didn’t play sports like my brother, so that meant I had nothing in common with my mom. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t understand my dad. Apparently we pick our parents though, something that I have yet to come to understand but hope to by the end of this blog that I hope will become a book. If not, it always leaves me content for my next one!
Of course I made friends, ones that I tried to make into family but that never really panned out. Definitely you could have called me codependent and you would not have been wrong. Eventually I got a cat, named Milano, but even she seemed to prefer my dad’s lap over mine, and then later a dog named Dixie, but Im sure she’ll come up later on.
I don’t think that I was a super odd kid or anything, probably falling somewhere in the middle of the social spectrum, but I just couldn’t seem to stick to one friend group; never getting quite close enough to anyone besides the few over the years that I clung on way too tightly to. Eventually those who I did hold onto would either need space or find a new flavor of the month/year/ decade and I’d be left on my own to panic about how I’d never get on without them, only to eventually realize that they were never very good friends or that I actually don’t think I ever really liked them in the first place.
Wait what?! I could not like somebody who liked me?! This still is a concept that I always seem to forget. How simple and absolutely freeing is that? I don’t have to like everybody who likes me. I do not need to value the opinion of everybody. I am not responsible for how other people perceive me. If I had understood this in the core of my being at a younger age I would have been golden!
Well, truthfully probably not. The universe would have found a way to fuck me anyways. After all, how else would I learn what I chose to be in this lifetime to learn? Does everyone have to learn things the hard way or is it just me?

How are you not grateful?

I am living my life with consciousness, and it’s teaching me that I can’t understand how the average person is not immensely grateful for what they have.

I don’t understand this and yet I was one of them. Living a fast paced, un-grounded, un-centered life of lack. Sure, I thought I was grateful, and in comparison to the people I surrounded myself with maybe I was, but there was always this sense of lack. An underlying feeling of not having enough. It’s Christmas time so it’s natural to be contemplating gratitude and all that I have but there’s more to it this year. I am going through a process of awakening. I am still so sick and yet I’ve never been happier or more grateful for what I have, with no sense of need for more. I still have goals and ambitions of course, and I would give almost anything to be healthy, but today, for this moment and in every moment, I have all that I truly need.

I no longer feel that sense of longing for the newest technology or a fancier house or car. I am not sad that I am spending the holidays single, or that on this Saturday night I am alone. There has been a shift inside of me.

One day recently I truly did not have it in me to make dinner and as I was eating popcorn and drinking tea on the couch in my pajamas’s I was surprised that I didn’t feel disappointed in myself for being unable to cook or for not having someone else to cook for me. Instead I felt truly grateful that I am a single person with no kids to feed because this allowed me to eat popcorn for dinner without guilt. The reason this feeling surprised me is because I didn’t have to think about it, I naturally felt that way. This is not something that always would have come naturally to me and has definitely taken training.

I don’t have a lot of money, and what I do have has basically been allocated to my treatment and bills, but with the major help of my parents with medical costs, I truly do have enough. I rent a basement suite that I have made home. I have a car that is old and run down but it works. I have a dog that is my soul-puppy. I am single but I have self-respect and happiness. I have so many beautiful people in my life. Do I never want anything more for my life? Of course not! But for today I truly do have more than enough.

I was recently chatting with a friend who, based on his family and who he is as a person I would have assumed wanted kids, so I was shocked when he told me that he didn’t. Not being able to afford to give his kids the life that his parents gave him was his reasoning. Well, I thought that this was completely delusional! First of all, no matter how much money you’re making, you’re going to be raising your kids in a completely different era than you were raised in. Even in the span of ten years the world changes so significantly. I’m 27 and I have not had kids yet and I look at the kids in schools now and can’t believe how different it is than when I was in school. The technological advances alone are enough to change society completely, not to mention ecological and economical changes. I live just outside of Vancouver, B.C., Canada. One of the most expensive places to live in the world. Even if I moved somewhere cheaper I would never be able to give my children the same life that my parents gave me. And they couldn’t give me the same life that their parents gave them, and so on and so forth. Not because of finances, but because the world has changed so much. The person that I was having this conversation with does not have a menial job. I don’t know what he makes but I know he’s on a great path to move up within a good company and that he makes more than I do for sure. Everyone has different needs and comfort zones when it comes to finances and I am not here to judge, but I can only assume that based on where he is now, if he were to have kids in the next 5 years, I think they’d turn out okay. I am far from saying that someone should have children before they’re ready, or that children aren’t expensive or don’t require extra care, the point is that this conversation, and a lot of my conversations with this person were very focused on lack. A lot of people that I talk to all seem to focus on lack. Even when I know that they have more than me, I often only hear about how little they have. The light-bulb that finally went on for me during this one particular conversation was “wow, it’s not that you don’t have enough, it’s that you’re not grateful for what you do have.” I wanted to shake him and say, “you’re 32, you have a roof over your head, you have a $60,000+ vehicle, you have a good job with benefits and room to move up. You get to go on a hunting trip once a year. You have holiday pay, sick pay, and over-time. Your work is paying for you to travel across the world next month. That is a lot more than many 32 year old’s have and if you don’t think that that’s enough right now then it doesn’t matter how much you have in the future it will never be enough!”

I’m home alone on a Saturday night, hair still wet from my shower as I had to sauna as I do most days for my health. Every joint in my body hurts. It’s the Saturday before Christmas and I should be out with my friends but my health simply won’t allow it. I can picture them all, laughing and clanking their drinks as I sit in the empty quiet of my home. Some people would feel lonely. They would feel betrayed by their bodies and angry. Sometimes I feel this way too. But the truth is, it’s Christmas in two days. The weather has been mild but cold, and there is snow on the ground. I’m sitting on my couch writing this under a heated blanket with the fire place on, on a 10 year old laptop that although has broken keys and is painfully slow, clearly works well enough for me to blog. My fridge is full of groceries that I was able to go purchase for myself to make Christmas breakfast for my family. I am drinking a glass of wine from a bottle that I purchased without stress today, my dog is curled up beside me and I am looking at a dozen red roses that were dropped off this morning by a dear friend. How can I not be immensely grateful? There have been countless times that due to my health I was unable to go to the grocery store for myself, unable to get out of bed even. Vomiting from treatment for days on end, still going to work throughout it because I couldn’t afford the time off. There are so many people who right now are curled up with their kids in their car, trying to stay warm and keep from crying so the little ones don’t see. They’re trying to make sleeping in their car in the dead of winter not so scary for their children. The shelters are all full. There are men and women and children of all ages and backgrounds huddling under 2ft overhangs off of buildings, trying to stay dry.

Somewhere, someone is sitting all alone in the dark because they couldn’t afford their power bill. Someone else is grieving the loss of their child; another their wife. Someone’s child is lost and someone is being beaten, a child watching through the slats in the closet doors. Someone has just lost their ability to see, someone else to walk, another to hear. Somewhere, someone has just lost a leg. Somewhere else an arm; somewhere else, their life.

With all of this happening while I sit in a warm house with the lights on, sipping my glass of wine, how can I not be filled with immense gratitude? I hope that no matter how dark my life gets, no matter how sick I am, that I can always see and feel this gratitude for all that I do have.

Recognize yourself in this blog post? Start a gratitude journal. I used to write down every single morning 3-5 things that I was grateful for followed by 1-3 people that I wanted to send energetic love to. What you focus about comes about.

Online Dating in Modern Day

So I hop in and out of the online dating world whenever I have some extra time on my hands and think I’d like to put myself out there, and boy is there never a dull moment. I have said it before but truly I cannot believe what dating has come to in modern day. In some ways I see the positives, you have an easy and low-risk way of being introduced to people you never would have otherwise met, and you can do it from the couch in your pajamas’s with your favorite glass of wine – so right there we all know I’m in! On the down side though, you have to filter through hundreds of prospects (half of which on the free sites are not even serious about dating), and you have no good way of knowing who you’re really talking to or how many lies they’re telling you.

Needless to say, I don’t get too worked up over all of this but I do take some time to scroll through every now and again, swiping right on anyone that I feel I could enjoy getting to know, and left on the others. I am one of those people who actually look for a write up in the potential prospect’s ‘about me’ section and base the majority of my decision on said write up, and I can’t believe what some people say in theirs. First of all, there are countless men’s profiles that have absolutely nothing written in their about me section, and maybe that works for them as some people must judge based on looks alone, but seriously you can’t take two minutes to write a couple sentences about yourself? Even point form would do. The way I see it is if you can’t take a couple of minutes between your hours of swiping left or right to tell the app a tiny bit about yourself you either don’t know yourself well enough, don’t take your needs or lifestyle into enough importance or are not taking online dating seriously at all. And frankly, I can’t take you seriously enough to swipe right. Which is totally fine! There are probably lots of women who base their swipes solely on looks, and they may not care that you can’t form a couple of decent sentences about yourself.

Other people put it all out there, here is a profile I read the other day that although I have zero interest in, I actually have a lot of respect for their honesty. “In an open relationship, looking for someone for sex and experimentation. Will have open conversations to discuss clear boundaries.”
I actually find myself wanting to swipe right on these people simply to congratulate them on their honesty, but then I realize that I’d have to follow up with, “but actually that doesn’t interest me at all, so best of luck to you byeeeee!” and I just keep on swiping left.

Another one I read this week was particularly interesting, “What I lack in penis size I more than make up for in emotional support! Irish, new in Van, potato connoisseur,” huh… not really sure where to start with that one. Potato connoisseur? Unless you’re a farmer or a professional french fry chef, who cares? And as for your penis size, I don’t expect to know that off of an app, and maybe if you do happen to be lacking in that area you’d like someone to fall for your charm and emotional support abilities first? Also typically, unless you’re sleeping with everyone you chat with online, wouldn’t someone typically naturally fall for your personality before learning your penis size? Or is that just me…

What is with everyone who does take the time to do a write up including whether or not they have a costco card in it? Or, “I’m really only on here to meet someone with a costco card.”
Have I missed something? Is this a thing? Or is having or not having a costco card suddenly a marker of your personality traits that I can somehow use to determine how decent of a boyfriend you would be along with your 4 photos in dim lighting with hats and sunglasses on and your write up of 140 characters or less that is mostly emoji’s?

Like I said, I hop in and out of online dating whenever I feel like it. I have a business to run, I have a dog to take care of, I have a good social life, a chronic illness to deal with… all of these things lead me to ignoring my online dating profile on the regular. Also, there’s a large part of me that just doesn’t give a fuck. So ya, if I’m not in a conversation that is riveting and outside of the basic “how are you, what do you do, how was your weekend, how much did you party, wanna fuck?” I may forget to open my app for weeks at a time and forget to reply. It happens. It’s not personal. But recently one guy had a unique way of handling it. It went a little like this,

Guy: “I hope you had a good time off of bumble,”
Guy: sends dick pic
Me: “I did have a nice time away from bumble actually and that picture doesn’t make me want to come back anytime soon you are disgusting and should be ashamed of yourself. And if you think that would impress me you are extremely mistaken I wouldn’t use that as a pick up line anytime soon as it was nothing to be proud of you pathetic little man.”
Me: Block.

True story. And in reality I didn’t even look at the photo long enough to judge his size but the fact that this was his answer to me being busy and forgetting to check my app spoke for itself.

Yesterday I was told that I was too good for someone. This someone was not someone that I have interest in as more than a friend, and I believe the same goes for him, yet his friend felt the need to tell me that I was too good anyways. I don’t believe in one person being “too good” or “not good enough” for another person. We are all equal. I do believe however that in order to make a happy and fulfilling life with another person everyone needs to be honest about what they want, what they’re willing to give, what they’re willing to sacrifice and what are deal breakers. Everyone makes choices that create the life that they’re living. If we were all honest about what we actually wanted and what we are and are not okay with, I believe that everyone could find someone who fit with their life, wants and needs. No one would be better or worse, people would simply be good for each other or not. Nothing personal just reality.

There is always going to be someone, both male and female, who is just looking for sex. And good for them if that’s what they need at the time! I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that as long as both parties are open and honest about it. There are also always going to be both men and women pretending that they’re only looking for sex when really they want a relationship, and there is always going to be both men and women pretending they’re looking for a relationship when really all they want is sex. Then there will be the handful of people who are comfortable enough with themselves and over the game playing that they’re just flat out honest about what they want. Wouldn’t it be simpler if we could all just embrace our needs, our desires, our strengths and our weaknesses, and be honest about them knowing that that’s the simplest way to find who we’re looking for?

Could everyone just embrace the fact that there is always going to be someone who is just as shy, just as geeky, just as kinky, just as normal or just as weird as they are out there, wanting the same things as they are at the same time, and that if we were all just honest about it we’d be able to find each other much easier?


It’s okay to be depressed, it’s not okay to not do anything about it.

At the risk of a lot of people being offended by this (including my 15 year old self), it’s okay to be depressed, it’s not okay to not do anything about it.

I’ve been there. At the bottom, feeling like there was not a single ounce of light left in me. Spending time with an old friend recently has given me the opportunity to crack open a window into my darker past. I’ve been able to remember some of the broken pieces of me that have since been painted over and somewhat forgotten.

I was really miserable. And, most likely terrible to be around. Nobody really wants to spend a lot of their time with someone who is always sad, because, well, it’s depressing. To those of you who are reading this and thinking, “screw you I can’t help it, it’s not my fault, you don’t know how it feels,” I’m sorry. I’ve been there, and my experience may or may not be what you want to hear right now but it also may (or may not!) help you – I truly hope that it does.

I don’t expect you to do this on your own. I expect that family and friends and pets and councilors and maybe doctors will help you. But the fact of the matter is, we don’t all have those supports available to us. I was lucky in that I did have a few family and friends to help me, and that the gaps left by those who walked away were often filled by people who were closer to what I needed at the time, but do you think I saw that back then through the thick black smog that surrounded my life? No. Of course I didn’t. Unfortunately, no matter how hard someone else tries, they cannot fix you. I have spent a lot of my life trying to fix other people, all the while not realizing that there were probably other people that I didn’t recognize were trying to fix me. I never recognized this because I never felt worthy of being fixed, and maybe that’s why I focused so much of my energy on trying to fix others instead of myself.

(By the way, not only did me trying to fix other people never work, but they also probably didn’t want to be fixed! Who am I to say how they should live their lives?! But that’s an entry for another day..)

Every person in the world could offer you help, but if you don’t take any action steps not a single one of them would be able to help you.

Over the years I’ve learned which of the little (and big) things add up to help me get through life. Some of these make very little difference on their own, but when combined have been life changing. Maybe some days you can’t do them all, especially if you struggle with physical ailments as well as mental/emotional, but you have to start by at least figuring out what they are. Make a list to refer back to on the bad days, when you feel helpless and like there’s nothing you can control. Keep it on your fridge or mirror or nightstand, somewhere that you are forced to see it frequently. Post it on the wall that you see from your bed so that it’s the first thing you see every morning and the last thing you see every evening. And then slowly, one by one, do them. If it feels like you can’t have a shower, have a salt bath. If you can’t workout today, meditate. Can’t handle doing laundry? Just change your dirty pyjamas for fresh pyjamas. I don’t care, just do something.

Here’s my list, plus or minus a few things…
Drink lemon water, ideally several glasses per day
Clean the house (or at least the kitchen, bedroom or bathroom)
Personal development reading (always have a book on the go!)
Wash laundry
Put away laundry (for some reason this one always seems so hard)
Put fresh sheets on the bed
Use a fresh towel
Pick or buy fresh flowers for a vase in the house
Sit with my crystals or salt lamp
Pull cards
Ask a friend to pull cards for me
Do yoga
Walk the dog
Cook a healthy meal
Grocery shop

Sometimes things that seem so basic, such as changing your sheets, filling the fridge with fresh food or taking a shower seem absolutely impossible when you’re in the midst of a never-ending battle within yourself, but as difficult as they are, they can make equally a positive shift when you do them. Yes it would be nice if someone did those that they could for you, but here’s the hard truth: eventually they’re going to stop. Depression is debilitating. Anxiety is paralyzing. Still, no one can spend their entire lives trying to fix it for you, eventually they will need to take care of themselves and you will be left to do your life yourself. If you can, you need to search your soul for that one little tiny spark of light that is left in there and you need to feed it. That’s your only job, find what that spark needs in order to grow, and feed it. You are the only one who can, and ideally you’ll do this before everyone walks away in self preservation.

I don’t care if it’s one thing a week or even one thing a month. Just put the effort in. When you feel like you don’t have even a touch of effort left to give, that’s when you need to give it the most. I’m not saying do so much you burn out, just do something.

One little action step at a time is all it takes. In the moment they may not feel like much, but I promise you that compounded over time they could give you not only your entire life back, but a greater life than you could ever have imagined.