This weekend I showed myself how easy it is for me to slip away from my alignment with love and my truest self, and fall back into the place of fear that I’ve spent the vast majority of my young life living in.
“Feelings buried alive never die” – I’m pretty sure that’s a Wayne Dyer book that has been sitting on my shelf since my awful teen years but has never actually been read.
Why am I still fighting?
This is a question that I asked myself a lot during my last rounds of treatment while the medicine was making me so ill every day, on top of fighting this horrendous disease, and the truth is, I didn’t always have an answer.
Do you ever think to yourself, what the fuck am I doing with my life and what do I even want?
My views on what is truly important in this life and what makes a person valuable have changed significantly since getting sick. I suppose this shouldn’t surprise me, as it is a message that one will often hear from someone who has gone through a near death experience, a life-altering accident, or terminal or chronic illness.
It’s my 10 year reunion in a couple of weeks…
I already skipped the SDSS one, but now my first ever boyfriend and his amazing fiance are convincing me to go to DSS’s and although there is a part of me that wants to go, I cannot believe how just the sight of certain people on that invitation list can bring me right back to my fearful, insecure, high school-self who never felt like she fit into her own skin and was sure that she’d never be good enough.
I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. No one told me when I got sick that I’d spend more time comforting the people around me than I would being comforted.