For years I was my own worst enemy. I don’t know what came first – the self-limiting beliefs that for so long ruled my life, or the society that taught me them. I was raised in an average middle-class Caucasian family with two parents who love me very much, yet for some reason I was never able to feel that. Material-wise we had everything we needed, but my emotional well ran dry at a very young age and it hasn’t been until recently, in my late twenties, that I’ve learned how to fill it back up.
It is easy for me to blame the world around me for all of my problems, and a lot of that blame would be, and is, valid. This does not help project me forward however, and I am choosing to live my life differently now. I am choosing to live my life from a place of love and intention. This takes conscious thought, effort, and reprogramming of my brain, but I see, and most importantly, feel, the incredibly positive ways that living this way has improved my life and overall well-being.
I can’t change the fact that I was first hospitalized for suicidal tendencies at 15 years old, or that in my delusional state of fear and wanting to numb the pain I overdosed at 17; that I was raped at 19, or that my lack of boundaries and self-worth lead me to being taken advantage of multiple times in multiple ways throughout my life. I can’t change that at 24 I fell devastatingly ill with Lyme disease that would not be properly diagnosed or treated until I was almost bedridden.
My whole life everything felt so out of my control, and this need to control whatever I possibly could put me on life paths that were not for my highest and best self. Lately I’ve been practicing letting go. At times it feels unnatural, insecure, and simply terrifying, but as I let go of the need to control the smaller, insignificant details I am watching a beautiful life unfold before me.
I know now that we are all just doing the best we can and I understand the immense benefit of assuming good intentions of others. I’ve experienced how life can miraculously shift when I remove my fear-based lenses, stop receiving the world around me through my eyes of pain, trauma and disconnect, and instead through lenses of love, compassion, empathy and understanding.
Nothing will undo the excruciating pain that I have lived through, but I can use my journey and newfound positivity to assist others in doing it differently. No one needs to stay stuck, going through the motions of this life. No child needs to grow up feeling unworthy and unloved despite having parents with the very best of intentions. We each have access to choices every day that will determine how we view our lives and how we affect the world around us – and whether we like it or not, we do affect the world around us with everything we do, say, and think. Everything is energy and this energy is all connected.
As we walk through our lives, we have the power in each moment to choose whether we heal the world around us or hurt it. My goal with this blog is not to blame or shame anyone for my past or my pain, but to inspire you to live your life intentionally; healing, rather than hurting, yourself and the world around you. I believe that the state of our planet currently is proof that if we do not live intentionally, we accidentally walk through our lives letting our own inner pain seep out and damage the world and the people around us.
While my truest, wholehearted commitment to my writing is to only be 100% honest and raw, I appreciate and respect that everyone perceives scenarios through their own eyes. Although my perceptions are honest and valid, they may not always show the whole story. I ask that you take my perceptions with a grain of salt, understanding that at times it’s difficult for me to see clearly through my own pain and trauma, and that I can only truly know what is clearly communicated to me. I take people at their own word, and I cannot read minds or attempt to understand other people’s reasoning or intentions if they do not clearly express them to me. If what someone says does not align with how they’re truly feeling, I struggle to read through the grey areas and tend to receive the information exactly how I heard it – which I am coming to understand is not always how they truly meant it.