Rising numbers of deaths by suicide – what can you do? #BellLetsTalk

*Trigger warning, this blog post discusses mental health and death by suicide and may be hard for some people to read. Also I want to be so abundantly clear that absolutely no one is to blame for anybody’s death by suicide and that no matter what, if someone in your life has died in this very unfortunate and devastating way, it is in no way your fault or responsibility. This is in no way a message of blame, but a message of what I believe we can do as a society to create positive change. I truly hope that this post doesn’t sound too harsh or offend anyone, I do honor that we are all just doing the best we can, but truly, ignorance is only bliss for the ignorant and I do believe that education helps create understanding and change.*

We are in the energy of a full blue super moon, and I spent the weekend in and out of panic attacks for the first time in ages, and I just spent the morning on the phone with a friend and their psych nurse and their family, and I keep learning about children under 10 making suicide plans, and its #BellLetsTalk day.

Wow. Deep Breathe.

I also cannot believe how many suicides I’ve heard of recently (in case you don’t know,

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Real men are not Unicorns.

Sometimes we are forced to reevaluate our lives and the choices that we are making and patterns we are falling into and why our lives look the way that they do. Tonight I realized something, probably for the first time realizing it deep within me and not just brushing it off but actually feeling it and allowing it to process. This something, is something that I felt needed to be shared because I bet that there are a  lot of people out there living the same way and wondering why.

I realized that never in my life have I “expected” to be in a healthy relationship. When you think about how you speak – either out loud or in your head about relationships, what words are you using? Do you think of a loving couple, children, a home? Do you think of parties, arguments? Do you think of fear or do you think of love?

For years I said I was going to adopt, because I didn’t want to pass along my genes and risk the children having mental health issues (and now Lyme).

I’ve always said I was pro-divorce and that its never too late to leave. I do stand by this in cases of abuse or where two people are truly not happy, but maybe it would be nice if I didn’t think of it for myself!

I’ve always said its okay to be single forever. And it is. But again, maybe I should be at least thinking like I’m not going to be?

I have never been able to picture myself in a healthy relationship. My trust for a man to be there for me and stand by me and take care of his own shit never existed. I am not even sure what that would look like.

I have always expected to have to be able to financially, physically and emotionally, take care of myself, my pets, my future children and possibly my husband; or at least to to play a minimum of a 50% role in that area. I’ve never even really expected a man to take me on a real date. You know, plan it with no help from me (control freak!), pick me up, pay without that awkward conversation finishing with me insisting on paying for at least my part if not all of it.

I’ve never even expected a man to be able to handle his own shit, let alone a relationship. Or to be a real man. I’ve basically just believed that they don’t exist.

In fully, truly, deeply understanding this I can’t help but think “uhh duh. No wonder you’ve never had a good, stable, healthy relationship. No wonder successful, nice, got their shit together men are not knocking your door down. You made them out to be unicorns.”

Well, apparently they are not unicorns and they do exist. I, however, never let them exist within my mind and therefore they could never exist within my 3 dimensional life. How many other men and women are walking around thinking just like me and never getting their wake-up call? Well, this is it! What you think about, you attract. What language are you using when actually thinking about the things that you want in life? I for one, will certainly be changing mine.

Lessons from someone who couldn’t (wouldn’t) slow down

I am literally sitting in an office in Steveston, BC, with an IV in my arm as I write this. Antibiotics quite literally coursing through my veins, in attempt to kill the bacteria that have stolen my life.

I often forget how active and vibrant I was just before I got sick. I read a quote the other day that truly hit home for me, it was “make time for health or you’ll have to make time for illness.” Wow. That’s a gut punch. If someone had said that to me before I got sick while I was exercising 7 days a week and meal prepping and working 3 jobs, I would have said I didn’t have time to rest. Or that I didn’t need it. The truth is the thought of slowing down was terrifying. I truly believed that if I slowed down or stopped any of what I was doing the world would crumble around me. It was like the walls were slowly crumbling and I was running in circles trying to catch the pieces before they hit the ground, half-ass gluing them back in place just in time to catch the next one, trying to seal any cracks as I went.

While I was so focused on keeping everything outside of me together, I had no idea that it was actually what was inside that was succumbing to intruders like an attack by a Trojan horse.

My body kept asking me to slow down and I kept ignoring it. Through all of my fitness and businesses I had gained a confidence that I’d never experienced before and I was afraid to loose it. Growing up with mental health issues such as severe depression and panic disorder you stop trusting your body and mind. You learn to push through and ignore the signals your body is sending you because often in the case of panic disorder anyways, they aren’t real. Your mind and body believe you’re in danger when you aren’t. To overcome that you learn to ignore those alarm bells and keep trekking through.

Physical illness on the other hand is the opposite. You have to listen to your body and slow down when necessary and give your body plenty of rest and time to heal itself. So you can see how opposite that is. If I hadn’t learned growing up to push through my mental illnesses I wouldn’t have survived. Now, if I don’t learn to listen to my body again and to rest, I won’t survive either.

Ideally though, growing up with mental illnesses I would have learned to sit with the uncomfortable. To allow myself to truly feel all of the sharp and ugly pieces and to then allow them to pass. Ideally I would have learned mindfulness and grounding and some of the spiritual lessons that I’m learning now so that I could have understood better what was happening in and around me and then maybe I wouldn’t have had to get Lyme in order to learn all of these things. But I didn’t, and I can’t turn back time so what’s really important is that I’m learning all that I can now, and sharing my journey to help others.

I’m 27 and learning to listen to and trust my body and intuition all over again – or really, for the first time. Some people learn this young and others don’t learn it until their skin has softened and hair turned gray. Others, I think, maybe don’t ever learn it, and what an unfortunate situation is.
It’s no secret that the Universe will continue to give us the same lessons over and over again until we learn them. I’ve learned to let myself feel the ugly. I’ve learned to let myself love and forgive and heal. I’ve learned enough therapy that I could practically be a therapist. In fact, I’m often teased by my hair clients, “Denise, I’m here for my therapy session!”. I’ve learned what boundaries are and what they feel like and how to put them in place (almost!). I’ve learned what no feels like and the power of the word and when to use it, as well as the same for yes. I’ve learned how to say yes to my body and it’s needs and to rest and to experience the uncomfortable in all of its lessons. I’ve learned that I’m worth a lot more than I thought I was. That my mind and my heart and my knowledge and willingness to share and be open and all of the quirky little things that some won’t appreciate, are worth something; they’re meant to be appreciated not cut down. I’ve learned that I’m not for everybody. And that I’m okay with that. More than okay with it actually because it wiens out those who are not my people without me having to do the work. I’ve learned that there are so many people who love and appreciate and honor and respect me for being exactly who I am. I am now one of those people as well.

Loving like an Empath

As an empath I love so strongly and so deeply, for everyone – especially those who don’t know how to love themselves, or anyone else, it seems. I fall in love over and over again and even when I’m not “in love”, I am in my own version of in love that possibly only empaths can begin to understand. I find someone so broken and become overwhelmed with the need to take them in and love them and all of their broken pieces and heal them and make them whole. The problem is, not only that no one can make another person whole, or make them love themselves, but also that I forget to love myself in the process.

Recently I’ve found myself falling back into this deeply entrenched pattern. I’ve caught myself though, and with the help of loving empathic friends, am pulling myself out, and each day that overwhelming urge to love and to heal eases a little bit more and that little bit more gets put back into loving myself and those around me who are ready to receive and return it.

In the years past I have continued this pattern time and time again, typically not pulling myself out until my cup is bone dry, no love has been given to me in months, and I’ve all but completely lost myself. I’ve made the choice not to let that happen this time. And it is a choice. Not an easy one, my stomach is tied and my heart aches and still every fiber of my being wants to love him and heal him and make him whole. That’s what I hear in my head over and over again, that’s what I feel in my body deep within my bones. But it’s not realistic. It’s not healthy. It leaves neither of us whole or healed. It leaves me completely unloved.

I truly believe that the Universe is testing me. SHE wants to know if I am truly ready to move forward into higher vibrations or if I’m going to stick to what I know. Am I going to choose to love myself and set healthy boundaries (scary!) or am I going to continue old patterns on repeat. Am I ready for someone who’s going to love me like a real man? A whole man? Or am I going to stay in my comfort zone of loving those who don’t know how to love at all? My comfort zone of fixing others instead of myself.

The truth is either way I will continue to love him. The same way that I continue to love all of them. But this time I’m choosing to move forward, I’m choosing to love myself. I’m choosing to send him love and healing from afar, from a place where I can heal in tandem. A place where it doesn’t have to just be him.

This is no one’s fault but my own, and I own that. I know now though, that I deserve to be loved too. I deserve to be healed. And no one can do that for me but me; no one can do that for him but him.

Forgiving myself and letting go of someone who I believe needs my love, before I’m forced to, is not within my nature. I’m learning about energetically cutting chords and that has helped significantly. But mostly, I just keep reminding myself of reality. My goals to find love and have a family. My illness and how it doesn’t leave a lot of room for shenanigans like this. That I am the creator of my life and that all of these choices build the life that I will live. What do I want that life to look like?

Are you an empath?
Do you get caught up in trying to heal others who may not even want to be healed?
What choices will you make differently to raise your vibrations and love yourself?

Shed your shame

I am having the most relaxing day before work. I slept in, enjoyed slowly drinking my coffee while reading today’s astrology report on Susan’s Astrology Zone app, then read today’s vibe of the day in Kyle Gray’s book, “Raise your Vibration”, and then meditated on today’s vibe while in the sauna. I then took a nice, long, quiet shower, allowing my body, mind and soul to absorb and process everything that I had just taken in before making lunch while singing along to Carlie Pearce, finishing it off by eating in front of my outdoor fire pit with Keith Urban’s new incredible song, “Female”. Amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better way to spend my morning and early afternoon, and now am writing to you all while sipping my coffee outside with the warmth of a fire while the rain gently begins to fall.

Myself and a group of my soul-sisters, we call ourselves the Crackpot group, have committed to following Kyle Gray’s 111 practices for raising your vibration and increasing your spiritual connection. We started this together on the first of January so today’s was the fourth “vibe of the day” and it is the first one that I have found difficult to connect to. Not painful or emotional, but more like a number blockage. Instead of ignoring the disconnect and moving on with my day like I would probably have done if I was busy or running late, I chose to take this opportunity to really sit with the lesson and feel it. Because this is not always a comfortable thing to do, as humans we will often brush past it, going on with our day to day lives never unblocking or honoring that part of ourselves, but if there is one thing I’ve learned for certain it’s that if you want to grow you have to choose to experience, and even embrace, the uncomfortable.

Vibe of the day: you are safe.

“There is no place safer for me than in my body.
My body is the home of my soul.
My outer self is a reflection of my inner self.
My soul is the true and real aspect of me and it can never be broken, tarnished or damaged.
My soul is healed and whole.
Today I claim my safety, because the light of my soul shines within a light of protection.
I am safe.

This may feel like common sense and very comfortable for some, but for myself who has a history of addiction to self-harming, a mind/central nervous system that likes to play games with me and now a chronic, life-threatening, difficult to treat disease, I have never felt safe inside of my own body. And yes, I do see the correlation between a life of feeling unsafe inside of me own body to then getting infected with a disease that does physically make you unsafe inside of your own body and I’m sure that this is not a coincidence.

In the past I have cut myself, burned myself, hated myself, made myself throw up, allowed unhealthy people and substances into my body, overdosed on painkillers, the list goes on I’m sure. The point is, I have not always treated my body, the home of my soul, the way it deserves to be treated. The things that I have done to myself are far worse than anything I would ever do to another person. It’s no wonder that my body was susceptible to this disease. It asked me to slow down time and time again. It asked me to feel it, to listen to it, to nurture it, and I ignored it until it forced me. This is something that I must own, and forgive myself for, which I will do now.

Dear physical body, mind and soul, I am sorry. I am sorry for not nurturing you. For not honoring you. For not even listening to you. I am sorry for hurting you and for allowing things into you that were not for your highest and best self. I am sorry for pushing you, and for taking you for granted. Please forgive me as I forgive myself. I promise to start working with you, rather than against you. I ask the Universe to support me in this new way of living, for the highest and best of everyone involved.

Everybody has dark fragments of themselves that they want to hide, but the only way to bring those pieces into the light is by owning them. I’m not saying everyone should go so public as to air all of their dirty laundry in a book or a blog like, ahem, me, but when those dark thoughts and memories come up inside of you don’t shove them back into their dusty, cobweb filled corner. Own them within yourself. Find it in your heart to forgive and to send love to that area of yourself that even you do not want to see. Write it down and bury it or burn it, giving it back to the Earth for the Universe to carry for you. No one can ever hold something over you that you have owned within yourself. You never need to feel ashamed of something that you’ve owned within yourself.

Shed the shame. Release it to the Universe to neutralize for you. Ask it to send that energy back to you as love.

Own every fragmented piece of yourself. And then allow yourself to love them.

A letter to the person who’s about to give up their life, from someone who almost did.

As I was laying in a soul and toxin – cleansing salt bath this evening topped with some beautiful gifted Sage lavender bath salts and Sage analgesic bath salts, meditating to a guided meditation for awakening your guide, I was surprised to be feeling both the highest and best parts of myself as well as the absolute darkest shadows during the “who am I?” question.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by this at all as the light cannot be without the dark, but hey! I’m new at this.

I am still learning to ask myself questions and trust the answers. Frankly I am still learning to trust myself at all. At the end of the meditation when asking what I need to do, I intuitively recieved, “A letter from someone who almost gave up(died by suicide), to someone who almost did,” so I chose to trust that there is someone out there who needs to hear this right now so I am writing to whomever that may be.

I see you.

And deep in my chest, I feel you. I know you are hurting so deeply that you cannot possibly see the surface, let alone the light. I am seeing the light for you. I am feeling it for you the same way that I am feeling your pain and I am sending it to you. I am washing away your dark.

Life is worth it.

I promise you this from deep within my bones. It is worth it. My journey through the dark was about 14-25 years long, and now, I can finally say with honesty that it was worth it. I know that many people will read that and think they can’t possibly stick it out for that many years. I definitely would have said that, but I did it. Some people only have to sludge through the mud for a few months. No matter where you are in your journey don’t assume that because mine was that long yours will be too. It is likely to be shorter, it could also be longer; my hope in you reading this is that this article makes it a little bit shorter for you.

What I’m coming to understand I would have liked someone to say to me in my darkest days was, “I’m feeling it too, but we are in this together.” I, however, needed to feel unsupported in my outside world so that I would eventually be forced to turn inward, looking to my higher self and the energy of the Universe to carry me. It will happen if you let it. Ask for it, invite it in.

I cannot even count the number of times I’ve seriously considered killing myself. Mostly I was tired of hurting and I truly believed that the world would not only go on without me but would actually be better without me. I am now being taught how untrue that is, but that is plain and simple how I felt. Even when I grew a bit and learned different coping skills and got to a place of not being at risk to myself, I still was never happy. I was your typical, averagely miserable human being. Knit-picking at things that I realize now don’t effect me. Taking things personally that at their core didn’t have anything to do with me. Needing people to like me. Measuring my level of success on what was visible to other people. Feeling overall irritable all the time. In comparison to my below-rock-bottom depression and panic disorder, this is what I thought happy was! To be honest, I think it’s what a lot of the human race considers normal.

I can now say that was most definitely not happy, though it may be average.

I don’t know exactly what got me to where I am today. I imagine that it is a combination of many small things compounded – counseling, medical intervention, drugs when needed, supplements, family support, lack of family support, a whole bunch of not so great doctors along with a few great doctors (this is not to downplay the role of doctors in mental health, it is to express that I understand that you’ve probably had a lot of unfortunate doctors visits but to keep trying new ones because there are a few really good ones making a really big difference), naturopaths, energy healers, mentors, exercise, clean eating, salt baths, infrared saunas, lemon water, meditating, less t.v. more personal development reading, writing, mindfulness, learning when to say no, learning when to say yes, learning when to be “selfish”, and learning when to be selfless. Learning what boundaries are – not only the definition but truly understanding the concept in my life, and how to place them, was also more than minimal towards my healing.

I still have bad days, yesterday was one of them. I had treatment in the morning earlier than I’d normally be up, then continued to my first in person appointment at the Complex Chronic Disease Program, a clinic that says they treat Lyme disease but doesn’t actually have a good way of diagnosing us, nor do they have any lyme-literate doctors (theirs all quit, in my understanding because they weren’t allowed to properly treat), so instead they diagnose us with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and central sensitivity syndrome which are all illnesses with unknown causes and unknown cures. This does at least give patients grounds for disability and access to programs that will teach them coping skills and offer counseling, acupuncture, doctors and other supports. The point is, my life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and in fact the truth is that I’m in pain every day, sick most of them, need about 12-14 hours of sleep per night and am not well enough to work as much as I’d like to or exercise or do as much socializing as I like or to be independent. I sleep more than I ever have, I am sicker than I have ever been, and yet I’m still happy. And I’m still telling you that it’s worth it to live.

Find what makes you happy and do it. Not just one thing but a million little things compounded. Find what adds a little bit of meaning to your life. It’s actually very simple, something either makes you feel good inside or it doesn’t. Sometimes we have to do the things that make us feel bad such as take that client that isn’t our favorite but we need to pay the bills, or visit that family member that really means well but drives us nuts, but wherever you’re able to, choose the option that makes you feel good. If you feel good while reading, read instead of watching tv. If you feel inspired after watching a documentary, choose one of those over your mindless TV show. If you have a favourite walk but you have to drive to it, drive to it. Do guided meditations for abundance and manifestations. Write down what you’re grateful for each day. Buy the flowers, or if you can’t spend the money go for a walk and pick them! I don’t care what it is that makes you feel good, inspired or energized, only you can decide what those things are, what resonates with you. It’s up to you and only you to find those things and to do them.

Do minimum one a day. It can be as simple as having your morning coffee on the patio. Start with one simple, easy to incorporate step. Just one is all I ask. Then over time as it feels comfortable and right for you, add in another, and another, and so on. It isn’t a race, there is no time limit. You do it in a year, or if you’re not ready you can do it slower and spread it out over 14 years like I did! You are the only one make that decision, and it doesn’t feel like it, but it is a decision to take these steps. You may not be able to decide how you feel, but you can decide what action steps you take. Choose one thing and start.

Whether you climb out of your darkness in a year or 30 years, I promise you, it’s worth it.

New Year’s Eve, 2017

A lot happens in a year. One year ago today I was sitting at home which is no longer my home (I moved a month ago), with my then-boyfriend, unable to cross the border with my family because my doctor’s were worried about my kidneys. I spent a large portion of the evening in an Epsom salt bath trying to manage my pain, getting out just before midnight to ring in the new year. I tried to make the most of it with a skimpy outfit and a couple good orgasms but there was no denying how sick I was and still am. There is also no denying how far I’ve come. One year ago I had very little faith and spirituality. Even into the spring I was discussing end of life plans with my counselor and mom. I knew that if I continued to go downhill there would come a point where I was no longer eligible to make those decisions for myself and I wanted to ensure that no one else was making them for me. I felt calm and comfortable with what I’d offered and given to the world up until that point and felt comfortable with it being my time to go very soon. I had given the world everything that I had to give and I found a great deal of comfort in that; I can’t help but wonder how many people wouldn’t feel the same way.

This past summer there was a shift in my psyche that opened up a whole new world of what I have ahead of me and what I have to give. I have been choosing happiness for a number of years now and sharing how I’ve done that with others through blogs, social media, hairstyling and through fitness groups but now my soul is taking the lead and I am learning how to choose love. I’ve known for years that my purpose on Earth is to help other people overcome their demons and grow into happy people but it wasn’t until this year that I started to understand that the way I am meant to do this is by accepting and acting on my soul-purpose of being a lightworker, spreading love and raising the vibration of the world as a whole. As Kyle Gray puts it in his book, “Raise Your Vibration”, being a lightworker “doesn’t mean that you have to quit your job or work 24/7 for the universe/angels/spirit world. It just means that you’ve accepted the call and you’re willing to contribute towards the healing, peace and nurturing of the world. You’re willing to raise your vibration.” This is exactly what I intend to do and it is my sincerest hope that as I continue to learn I will continue to teach and to raise the vibration of those around me as I go, eventually contributing to raising the vibration of the universe.

I believe that life doesn’t need to be so hard and I know that 2018 will be an incredible year if I let it. If I keep learning and sharing and loving, meditating and writing, exercising my mind and my intuition, then following my soul and living in line with my soul-purpose will become easier and more natural every day. When you’re living in tune with your body, mind and soul, it’s easy to feel whole. When you’re choosing love, it is easy to be loved.

Nothing positive is ever lost in the spreading of love and light.

Happy New Years everyone! I hope you all spend it immersed in immense love and wholeness, one with all that is.

December 29, 2017

I tried sharing my energy healing story with my parents and our friend tonight. I’ve got to give them credit, they didn’t laugh at me or shut me down which truly is the best they could have done but it sure is visible how uncomfortable it makes them. Later, when we were chatting with a different family acquaintance she brought up my Facebook posts – another thing that my family is clearly uncomfortable with but takes better than I could ask them to – she kindly told me how much she appreciates my posts and then says, “I can see that you really have a spiritual side,” my response, because I clearly don’t think through the things that come out of my mouth before I say them, was, “thanks yes I do but my parents don’t like it so I don’t talk about it in front of them.” …sometimes I think I seriously need to work on my social skills. But that does run in our family more so than all of this spiritual voodoo so perhaps I just have to own it.
As different as we are I am extremely lucky in the sense that it doesn’t matter how crazy I sound, my parents will always do their best to let me be me. Even when it makes them uncomfortable. Apparently we choose our parents before birth based on what lessons we need to learn in this lifetime. This is something that I can’t wait to learn about because I know that my parents and I have put each other through so much unnecessary pain, and I hope that by learning about how and why I chose them I can begin to heal our entire family lineage.

December 28, 2017

Last night there was a bat in my bedroom.

Okay I’m at the cabin so really it was in the trailer but it was flying through my bedroom in the trailer! Once I stopped screaming I realized it was actually pretty cute. Anyways, since I’m learning that there are no coincidences I figure it has to symbolize something but I had no internet to look it up so I asked the universe to please show me in my dreams very clearly what the bat was here to show me or symbolize.

Hey Universe, I trust that this bat in my bedroom must have been a symbol from you. There are no coincidences. Please show me clearly in my dreams why the bat was here and what I need to know. Please show me this in a way that is undeniably clear to me and allow me to remember my dream.

Well in my dream I was in my hometown village, they were putting on some kind of celebration and I was volunteering at one of the booths when a woman came up and dropped her child off with me, which was apparently normal. So this sweet little girl who I was calling Tanner and I went about our day in the village, I’m not too sure what my booth actually was but at one point I was doing her hair. I guess the details weren’t important for me to remember but during this day two big things happened. A young adult runaway accidentally met her teenage brother that she didn’t know about and she blew them both up. And meanwhile the celebration in the village is ending and Tanner’s mom never came back for her and she’s now telling me her name is Desiree. (The same name as my current co-worker). We search each booth for clues on what her last name could be, we check the nearby apartment buildings, we never do find her mom and I wake up.
Well, Universe, I have a bone to pick with you because that was not clear at all! At first I thought it was referencing my inner child that feels abandoned and needs someone to nurture her. Then when I realized she had the same name as my coworker I thought maybe it’s telling me to treat her with the same nurturing and forgiveness that I would a child. Both of these make sense for my real life, but the bombing of the siblings?! Maybe it’s trying to tell me that I need to be closer to my brother but I feel that I have done all that I can in order to be closer to him, not that we have a bad relationship to begin with but we just aren’t that close since he moved in with his girlfriend and her child.

I’m going to have to do more research on the symbolism of bats and maybe touch base with my mentors and come back to this.

Later on at night…

More of my dream has started to come back to me throughout the day but I am still unsure of their significance. One piece is me showing up at my girlfriend’s apartment (which was not her real-life home) to retrieve my book she borrowed called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. When I was there she had these strange little gremlin creatures that I can only describe as tiny miniature apes. They were diving into her indoor, inground pool (also not a real thing in Ladner apartments).
The other piece that came back to me is especially strange as it was an old, short term, drug-dealing boyfriend that in real life I was determined I could save (while really wanting him to save me), coming to me to tell me that he never should have had children before meeting me. That I was his biggest regret. Now, obviously I can’t say for certain that that isn’t true. In fact, maybe it is true. But I tend to think that people make the decisions that are right for them and that if they were that unhappy with their lives then they’d do something to change them. I don’t typically subscribe to the idea that they will then come to you in your dreams to share with you their regrets, but I have started more than one intimate relationship based on a dream I’d had, both of which ended up giving me what I needed when I needed it, so I guess I won’t completely write it off either.
P.s. when the bat was in my trailer last night I definitely video taped it and took pictures on my phone because I thought “Oh my Goddess what if this is my clairvoyance coming in?!” It wasn’t. It was a real live bat. Flying centimeters above my head..

 

…a couple hours later, still December 28, laying in the trailer back bedroom…

I went back to bed to meditate, but first I paused the meditation (I downloaded 20 of them for my getaway to, first, heal, second, get me through 6 days with my family and very little cell or internet reception) to pull my sweet dog Dixie up into bed with me. As I lay there stroking her ears with her head on my chest I thought about how grateful I am to have such a special creature in my life and I told her how sorry I am for neglecting her on the days that I’d been very sick. I then heard noises in my trailer similar to the ones that I heard last night before the bat appeared and, truthfully, got scared. I said, “Universe, please keep me safe tonight from anything that could enter my trailer or harm me in any way.” Suddenly Archangel Raphael and Archangel Michael appeared. Not appeared as in I could see them but I knew they were there. I thanked them and thought about how little I know about the Archangels in general, and then asked Archangel Michael to please cut some chords for me.
Please cut any chords that I no longer need.” No, that doesn’t feel inclusive enough. “Please cut any chords that do not serve my highest good.” No, that doesn’t feel right either. “Please cut all of my chords in a way that is loving and in the highest and best for everyone involved.” Bingo! I felt him cut more chords. In this moment I had a flashback of the dog Jake that we had for a few days when I was a kid. We got this dog from the SPCA and within the first few days of having him he ate the cover to our hot tub. That evening, or one not long from there, I went to brownies and came home to a house with no dog. I was told he was taken back to the shelter. I felt so heartbroken and betrayed. Here I was given this animal in my life and just as quickly he was taken away with no notice or the chance to say goodbye. Come to think of it, I think the same story might apply to my childhood cat… But I may be mixing them up. (I later mentioned this to my mom who said I didn’t remember the whole story, which is likely true but I didn’t ask about it). Anyways, what I came to realize in this moment was, I’d never forgiven my parents for making this choice without me or for not giving me the opportunity to say goodbye. So I decided to turn this around, I don’t want to hold onto that anymore. I asked myself, is this a blockage that is ready to be released? The answer was yes. Suddenly I got a pain in my left shoulder followed by another one in my lower-left arm that had been bothering me on and off for the last two days. I knew that this was where my blockage was to be released, I somehow knew that it was moving up from my bottom left abdomen, past my heart and sticking in my left arm. I don’t know how I knew this but I did. I asked the angels to help me move my energy through and they told me that it was my turn. So that’s exactly what I did, instinctively, without ever doing it before. Is this what downloads feel like?! This was a form of emotion code or therapeutic touch. This was energy healing! I feel as though this was my angels gift to me for finally starting to talk to them.

Now, I can meditate.

December 27, 2017

Do you ever wonder if your not the weird one?
My whole life I’ve just assumed it was me. I didn’t play sports like my brother, so that meant I had nothing in common with my mom. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t understand my dad. Apparently we pick our parents though, something that I have yet to come to understand but hope to by the end of this blog that I hope will become a book. If not, it always leaves me content for my next one!
Of course I made friends, ones that I tried to make into family but that never really panned out. Definitely you could have called me codependent and you would not have been wrong. Eventually I got a cat, named Milano, but even she seemed to prefer my dad’s lap over mine, and then later a dog named Dixie, but Im sure she’ll come up later on.
I don’t think that I was a super odd kid or anything, probably falling somewhere in the middle of the social spectrum, but I just couldn’t seem to stick to one friend group; never getting quite close enough to anyone besides the few over the years that I clung on way too tightly to. Eventually those who I did hold onto would either need space or find a new flavor of the month/year/ decade and I’d be left on my own to panic about how I’d never get on without them, only to eventually realize that they were never very good friends or that I actually don’t think I ever really liked them in the first place.
Wait what?! I could not like somebody who liked me?! This still is a concept that I always seem to forget. How simple and absolutely freeing is that? I don’t have to like everybody who likes me. I do not need to value the opinion of everybody. I am not responsible for how other people perceive me. If I had understood this in the core of my being at a younger age I would have been golden!
Well, truthfully probably not. The universe would have found a way to fuck me anyways. After all, how else would I learn what I chose to be in this lifetime to learn? Does everyone have to learn things the hard way or is it just me?