*Trigger warning, this blog post discusses mental health and death by suicide and may be hard for some people to read. Also I want to be so abundantly clear that absolutely no one is to blame for anybody’s death by suicide and that no matter what, if someone in your life has died in this very unfortunate and devastating way, it is in no way your fault or responsibility. This is in no way a message of blame, but a message of what I believe we can do as a society to create positive change. I truly hope that this post doesn’t sound too harsh or offend anyone, I do honor that we are all just doing the best we can, but truly, ignorance is only bliss for the ignorant and I do believe that education helps create understanding and change.*
Sometimes we are forced to reevaluate our lives and the choices that we are making and patterns we are falling into and why our lives look the way that they do. Tonight I realized something, probably for the first time realizing it deep within me and not just brushing it off but actually feeling it and allowing it to process. This something, is something that I felt needed to be shared because I bet that there are a lot of people out there living the same way and wondering why.
I am literally sitting in an office in Steveston, BC, with an IV in my arm as I write this. Antibiotics quite literally coursing through my veins, in attempt to kill the bacteria that have stolen my life.
As an empath I love so strongly and so deeply, for everyone – especially those who don’t know how to love themselves, or anyone else, it seems. I fall in love over and over again and even when I’m not “in love”, I am in my own version of in love that possibly only empaths can begin to understand. I find someone so broken and become overwhelmed with the need to take them in and love them and all of their broken pieces and heal them and make them whole. The problem is, not only that no one can make another person whole, or make them love themselves, but also that I forget to love myself in the process.
I am having the most relaxing day before work. I slept in, enjoyed slowly drinking my coffee while reading today’s astrology report on Susan’s Astrology Zone app, then read today’s vibe of the day in Kyle Gray’s book, “Raise your Vibration”, and then meditated on today’s vibe while in the sauna. I then took a nice, long, quiet shower, allowing my body, mind and soul to absorb and process everything that I had just taken in before making lunch while singing along to Carlie Pearce, finishing it off by eating in front of my outdoor fire pit with Keith Urban’s new incredible song, “Female”. Amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better way to spend my morning and early afternoon, and now am writing to you all while sipping my coffee outside with the warmth of a fire while the rain gently begins to fall.
As I was laying in a soul and toxin – cleansing salt bath this evening topped with some beautiful gifted Sage lavender bath salts and Sage analgesic bath salts, meditating to a guided meditation for awakening your guide, I was surprised to be feeling both the highest and best parts of myself as well as the absolute darkest shadows during the “who am I?” question.
A lot happens in a year. One year ago today I was sitting at home which is no longer my home (I moved a month ago), with my then-boyfriend, unable to cross the border with my family because my doctor’s were worried about my kidneys. I spent a large portion of the evening in an Epsom salt bath trying to manage my pain, getting out just before midnight to ring in the new year. I tried to make the most of it with a skimpy outfit and a couple good orgasms but there was no denying how sick I was and still am. There is also no denying how far I’ve come. One year ago I had very little faith and spirituality. Even into the spring I was discussing end of life plans with my counselor and mom. I knew that if I continued to go downhill there would come a point where I was no longer eligible to make those decisions for myself and I wanted to ensure that no one else was making them for me. I felt calm and comfortable with what I’d offered and given to the world up until that point and felt comfortable with it being my time to go very soon. I had given the world everything that I had to give and I found a great deal of comfort in that; I can’t help but wonder how many people wouldn’t feel the same way.
This past summer there was a shift in my psyche that opened up a whole new world of what I have ahead of me and what I have to give. I have been choosing happiness for a number of years now and sharing how I’ve done that with others through blogs, social media, hairstyling and through fitness groups but now my soul is taking the lead and I am learning how to choose love. I’ve known for years that my purpose on Earth is to help other people overcome their demons and grow into happy people but it wasn’t until this year that I started to understand that the way I am meant to do this is by accepting and acting on my soul-purpose of being a lightworker, spreading love and raising the vibration of the world as a whole. As Kyle Gray puts it in his book, “Raise Your Vibration”, being a lightworker “doesn’t mean that you have to quit your job or work 24/7 for the universe/angels/spirit world. It just means that you’ve accepted the call and you’re willing to contribute towards the healing, peace and nurturing of the world. You’re willing to raise your vibration.” This is exactly what I intend to do and it is my sincerest hope that as I continue to learn I will continue to teach and to raise the vibration of those around me as I go, eventually contributing to raising the vibration of the universe.
I believe that life doesn’t need to be so hard and I know that 2018 will be an incredible year if I let it. If I keep learning and sharing and loving, meditating and writing, exercising my mind and my intuition, then following my soul and living in line with my soul-purpose will become easier and more natural every day. When you’re living in tune with your body, mind and soul, it’s easy to feel whole. When you’re choosing love, it is easy to be loved.
Nothing positive is ever lost in the spreading of love and light.
Happy New Years everyone! I hope you all spend it immersed in immense love and wholeness, one with all that is.
I tried sharing my energy healing story with my parents and our friend tonight. I’ve got to give them credit, they didn’t laugh at me or shut me down which truly is the best they could have done but it sure is visible how uncomfortable it makes them. Later, when we were chatting with a different family acquaintance she brought up my Facebook posts – another thing that my family is clearly uncomfortable with but takes better than I could ask them to – she kindly told me how much she appreciates my posts and then says, “I can see that you really have a spiritual side,” my response, because I clearly don’t think through the things that come out of my mouth before I say them, was, “thanks yes I do but my parents don’t like it so I don’t talk about it in front of them.” …sometimes I think I seriously need to work on my social skills. But that does run in our family more so than all of this spiritual voodoo so perhaps I just have to own it.
As different as we are I am extremely lucky in the sense that it doesn’t matter how crazy I sound, my parents will always do their best to let me be me. Even when it makes them uncomfortable. Apparently we choose our parents before birth based on what lessons we need to learn in this lifetime. This is something that I can’t wait to learn about because I know that my parents and I have put each other through so much unnecessary pain, and I hope that by learning about how and why I chose them I can begin to heal our entire family lineage.
Last night there was a bat in my bedroom.
Okay I’m at the cabin so really it was in the trailer but it was flying through my bedroom in the trailer! Once I stopped screaming I realized it was actually pretty cute. Anyways, since I’m learning that there are no coincidences I figure it has to symbolize something but I had no internet to look it up so I asked the universe to please show me in my dreams very clearly what the bat was here to show me or symbolize.
Hey Universe, I trust that this bat in my bedroom must have been a symbol from you. There are no coincidences. Please show me clearly in my dreams why the bat was here and what I need to know. Please show me this in a way that is undeniably clear to me and allow me to remember my dream.
Well in my dream I was in my hometown village, they were putting on some kind of celebration and I was volunteering at one of the booths when a woman came up and dropped her child off with me, which was apparently normal. So this sweet little girl who I was calling Tanner and I went about our day in the village, I’m not too sure what my booth actually was but at one point I was doing her hair. I guess the details weren’t important for me to remember but during this day two big things happened. A young adult runaway accidentally met her teenage brother that she didn’t know about and she blew them both up. And meanwhile the celebration in the village is ending and Tanner’s mom never came back for her and she’s now telling me her name is Desiree. (The same name as my current co-worker). We search each booth for clues on what her last name could be, we check the nearby apartment buildings, we never do find her mom and I wake up.
Well, Universe, I have a bone to pick with you because that was not clear at all! At first I thought it was referencing my inner child that feels abandoned and needs someone to nurture her. Then when I realized she had the same name as my coworker I thought maybe it’s telling me to treat her with the same nurturing and forgiveness that I would a child. Both of these make sense for my real life, but the bombing of the siblings?! Maybe it’s trying to tell me that I need to be closer to my brother but I feel that I have done all that I can in order to be closer to him, not that we have a bad relationship to begin with but we just aren’t that close since he moved in with his girlfriend and her child.
I’m going to have to do more research on the symbolism of bats and maybe touch base with my mentors and come back to this.
Later on at night…
More of my dream has started to come back to me throughout the day but I am still unsure of their significance. One piece is me showing up at my girlfriend’s apartment (which was not her real-life home) to retrieve my book she borrowed called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. When I was there she had these strange little gremlin creatures that I can only describe as tiny miniature apes. They were diving into her indoor, inground pool (also not a real thing in Ladner apartments).
The other piece that came back to me is especially strange as it was an old, short term, drug-dealing boyfriend that in real life I was determined I could save (while really wanting him to save me), coming to me to tell me that he never should have had children before meeting me. That I was his biggest regret. Now, obviously I can’t say for certain that that isn’t true. In fact, maybe it is true. But I tend to think that people make the decisions that are right for them and that if they were that unhappy with their lives then they’d do something to change them. I don’t typically subscribe to the idea that they will then come to you in your dreams to share with you their regrets, but I have started more than one intimate relationship based on a dream I’d had, both of which ended up giving me what I needed when I needed it, so I guess I won’t completely write it off either.
P.s. when the bat was in my trailer last night I definitely video taped it and took pictures on my phone because I thought “Oh my Goddess what if this is my clairvoyance coming in?!” It wasn’t. It was a real live bat. Flying centimeters above my head..
…a couple hours later, still December 28, laying in the trailer back bedroom…
I went back to bed to meditate, but first I paused the meditation (I downloaded 20 of them for my getaway to, first, heal, second, get me through 6 days with my family and very little cell or internet reception) to pull my sweet dog Dixie up into bed with me. As I lay there stroking her ears with her head on my chest I thought about how grateful I am to have such a special creature in my life and I told her how sorry I am for neglecting her on the days that I’d been very sick. I then heard noises in my trailer similar to the ones that I heard last night before the bat appeared and, truthfully, got scared. I said, “Universe, please keep me safe tonight from anything that could enter my trailer or harm me in any way.” Suddenly Archangel Raphael and Archangel Michael appeared. Not appeared as in I could see them but I knew they were there. I thanked them and thought about how little I know about the Archangels in general, and then asked Archangel Michael to please cut some chords for me.
“Please cut any chords that I no longer need.” No, that doesn’t feel inclusive enough. “Please cut any chords that do not serve my highest good.” No, that doesn’t feel right either. “Please cut all of my chords in a way that is loving and in the highest and best for everyone involved.” Bingo! I felt him cut more chords. In this moment I had a flashback of the dog Jake that we had for a few days when I was a kid. We got this dog from the SPCA and within the first few days of having him he ate the cover to our hot tub. That evening, or one not long from there, I went to brownies and came home to a house with no dog. I was told he was taken back to the shelter. I felt so heartbroken and betrayed. Here I was given this animal in my life and just as quickly he was taken away with no notice or the chance to say goodbye. Come to think of it, I think the same story might apply to my childhood cat… But I may be mixing them up. (I later mentioned this to my mom who said I didn’t remember the whole story, which is likely true but I didn’t ask about it). Anyways, what I came to realize in this moment was, I’d never forgiven my parents for making this choice without me or for not giving me the opportunity to say goodbye. So I decided to turn this around, I don’t want to hold onto that anymore. I asked myself, is this a blockage that is ready to be released? The answer was yes. Suddenly I got a pain in my left shoulder followed by another one in my lower-left arm that had been bothering me on and off for the last two days. I knew that this was where my blockage was to be released, I somehow knew that it was moving up from my bottom left abdomen, past my heart and sticking in my left arm. I don’t know how I knew this but I did. I asked the angels to help me move my energy through and they told me that it was my turn. So that’s exactly what I did, instinctively, without ever doing it before. Is this what downloads feel like?! This was a form of emotion code or therapeutic touch. This was energy healing! I feel as though this was my angels gift to me for finally starting to talk to them.
Now, I can meditate.
Do you ever wonder if your not the weird one?
My whole life I’ve just assumed it was me. I didn’t play sports like my brother, so that meant I had nothing in common with my mom. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t understand my dad. Apparently we pick our parents though, something that I have yet to come to understand but hope to by the end of this blog that I hope will become a book. If not, it always leaves me content for my next one!
Of course I made friends, ones that I tried to make into family but that never really panned out. Definitely you could have called me codependent and you would not have been wrong. Eventually I got a cat, named Milano, but even she seemed to prefer my dad’s lap over mine, and then later a dog named Dixie, but Im sure she’ll come up later on.
I don’t think that I was a super odd kid or anything, probably falling somewhere in the middle of the social spectrum, but I just couldn’t seem to stick to one friend group; never getting quite close enough to anyone besides the few over the years that I clung on way too tightly to. Eventually those who I did hold onto would either need space or find a new flavor of the month/year/ decade and I’d be left on my own to panic about how I’d never get on without them, only to eventually realize that they were never very good friends or that I actually don’t think I ever really liked them in the first place.
Wait what?! I could not like somebody who liked me?! This still is a concept that I always seem to forget. How simple and absolutely freeing is that? I don’t have to like everybody who likes me. I do not need to value the opinion of everybody. I am not responsible for how other people perceive me. If I had understood this in the core of my being at a younger age I would have been golden!
Well, truthfully probably not. The universe would have found a way to fuck me anyways. After all, how else would I learn what I chose to be in this lifetime to learn? Does everyone have to learn things the hard way or is it just me?